Many of our callers are suffering from feelings of grief. The individuals are usually in very different stages of grief than the family or friends around them. You may feel alone and wondering why it is taking you so long to get over what others “seem” to have moved past.
If you are experiencing grief you maybe going through some of the symptoms below. The grief process is natural and inevitable–we all respond to loss and change with feelings of pain, apprehension, or fear. Even a positive change in life can bring about anxiety due to the unknown nature of how life will be in the future.
You are not alone. We have highly trained, compassionate specialists here to offer the right resources to truly make a difference.
Gain a better understanding of depression by learning more about:
Nature of Grief
Characteristics of Grief
Stages of Grief
How to Help Someone in Grief
Nature of Grief
Grief is a universal response to change and loss in life. It is often:
- Anxiety over separation and its implied loss of self.
- Withdrawal of emotional investment.
- An emotional wound requiring time for healing.
Characteristics of Grief
Grief is accompanied by characteristics which can include the following:
Somatic distress (i.e. change in sleeping patterns, excessive fatigue,change in eating habits).
- Emotional expression (i.e. excessive crying, fear, anxiety, panic).
- Preoccupation with the image of a deceased loved one (auditoryand/or visual hallucinations).
- Loss of patterns of behavior (i.e. inability to work).
- Identification with the deceased.
- Wave-like feelings of grief, as though one is “engulfed” by feelings.
- Struggle to affirm reality.
Stages of Grief
Learning and understanding the stages of grief, as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, helps our crisis line specialist to assist you in whatever stage of grief you are at that moment. These stages are:
Denial
“No, not me; it can’t be true!”
(Serves as a protective “cushion” to slowly prepare a caller to incorporate reality.)
Helper Role:
Be supportive, compassionate, understanding.
“It’s difficult to believe.”
“It’s like it’s happening to someone else.”
“It must seem unreal to you.”
Avoid:
Pointing out “reality.”
Being judgmental about the caller’s denial.
Anger
“Why me?”; “Life is not fair!”
(Expresses injustice, unfairness, loss, threat, inconvenience, attempt to make sense of what happened.)
Helper Role:
“You’re angry and hurt because . . . .”
“It is natural to feel angry.” (Anger is an appropriate response to injustice.)
Avoid:
Taking caller’s anger personally.
Being judgmental about caller’s anger.
Being disrespectful.
Bargaining
“Okay, I will do this if you will do . . .”
(Expressing desperation; need to control.)
Helper Role:
Allow the expression of feelings and the need to control.
Avoid:
Pointing out that bargaining won’t work.
Depression
“It’s me!” (Self blame / Reactive)
“It will probably get worse.” (Preparatory)
Helper Role:
Receive the admission of caller’s reality.
Avoid:
Encouraging the caller to “see the sunny side of things.”
Acceptance
“I’m preparing myself to face death.”
(The need to do as much for self as she can; detaches from others; seeks peace to face death alone. This is neither a resigned, hopeless stage or a “happy” stage.)
Helper Role:
Acknowledge that the caller is facing death–help her to feel comfortable. Help the caller express anger and hurt–”You don’t want to let go.” Express sadness–”Go ahead and cry if you feel like it.” Express conflict of needs–”You want to be alone but need the company of friends.”
Avoid:
“Be strong.” “It’s God’s will.” “Don’t cry.”
“A God-fearing person should rejoice at death.”
“Take a sedative.” “Don’t say death.” “Everything will work out for the best.”
The stages of grief may not be experienced in the order above; you may cycle in and out of the various stages in any order, or possibly experience more than one stage at one time.
These stages of grief can be applied to any change or loss–a divorce, loss of job, loss of a pet, loss of a friendship. It is important to remember that what feels like a major loss to a caller may appear insignificant to you. Our role is to be supportive to you in your feelings of loss and allow you to express how they feel about the loss without judgment.
How to Help Someone in Grief
Most of us want to be helpful when grief or loss strikes another person, but we often don’t know how to say the “right and helpful” thing. Some suggestions are:
- Let them talk.
Sorrowing people need to talk. They need to repeat the expression of their feelings. They often have no one who is comfortable listening to them. - Don’t be afraid of causing tears.
People need to express grief in a normal, healthy way. This is far better than stifling grief only to have it descend more intensely when the person is alone. Medical and psychological studies back up the contention that expressing grief is good, healthy, and can relieve stress. - Don’t be afraid to talk about a person who has passed away.
Well-intentioned persons often shy away from mentioning the deceased. Asking “would you tell me about him?” invites the person to talk through feelings about a loved one. - Don’t try to divert them.
Many people make small talk to try to camouflage the sense of loss. The task of the grief-stricken is to face the loss and work through it. It is better for the volunteer to sit silently than make obvious attempts to distract. The sorrowing person sees through the effort to divert, and is blocked from the needed expression of feelings. - Don’t try to “buck them up.”
It only makes people feel worse when you say “Come on now, buck up. Don’t take it so hard.” It’s better to state “Yes, it’s tough” to help them continue to express how they feel. - Reassure—don’t argue.
Sometimes people who lose a loved one have guilt feelings—they may not be justified but they are natural. The yearning “if only I had . . .” is a hallmark of grieving. These feelings must work their way out. You can give reassurance while the person slowly comes to the realization that he or she did their best. - Give the person permission to communicate so he won’t isolate.
Too often a person who has lost a loved one is overwhelmed with visitors for a week or so, then the house is empty. If friends don’t respond in the “after-time” of daily routines, the mourner may call the crisis line. Encourage them to do so as appropriate. - Be aware of your own sense of grief.
We need to be aware of being triggered into our own grief issues and deal with them. Talk with someone if you think this is happening to you. Otherwise, your feelings will interfere with your efforts to care for others.
